Relationships and the Pivot of Fear

Most relationships are balanced on the pivot of fear.

A colleague was rushing through the evening one day for his home. Finding his rush quite unusual I asked him the reason for his unusual hurry. He quipped back – ‘Well! It is my wife’s birthday today. I have to buy cake, flowers and a present for her on the way and be there before 6.’ How romantic! I thought in my mind. But the very next moment he shattered my imagination. He added – ‘You know you have to do all this to keep your wife happy. If I forget any of these she will be very angry and for the next week or so I will not get a proper meal. She will remind me every time I complain that I have lost that right as I have chosen to take her for granted. Buddy I cannot lose my one week’s good meal after all…’ he added with a sneaky smile. So the man was buying his wife all the presents and flowers out of fear of losing his week’s good meal and comfort, rather doing it out of love and affection! Sadly the truth with most married couples. Very interestingly a recent research study reveals that wives becomes less stressed and husbands become more stressed after the death of their respective spouses. Sad.

When I was a regular student and doing my academics, classes used to be sacrosanct for me. Listening to the professor, taking down my own notes, drawing my own interpretations, asking questions and clarifying my doubts used to be very important for me. Learning from my peer’s notes would not give me same satisfaction. But sadly for many of my classmates, attending class was out of fear of attendance. Too many As (or absent) on the attendance sheet will make them ineligible for exams. So right at the beginning of the semester they will calculate the number of classes that they can miss at max. for each course and then plan those unforced ‘holidays’. Attending class for those classmates was out of fear of being declared 'not eligible' for exams and not for the love of learning and discovering.

A rich businessman every year donates gold and part of his riches to a famous spiritual institution. I asked him once the reason he does this ritual every year. He told me - 'I always fear losing everything one day as I have so many enemies. By sharing my wealth with God, I will be able to repent for my sins and not face his wrath. That way I have greater protection against my enemies.' I appreciated the businessman's frankness and but all through I thought he was doing this to enable the institution help the needy and the poor. Funnily, most people fear God more, love him far less.

Relationships built and balanced on the pivot of fear are insecure, confining, patronizing and binding. On the other hand, the relationships that are built on genuineness and love are secure, liberating, collaborative and believe in giving space to each other always. The former is built on need and lacks transparency; the latter is built on empathy, understanding and is brave and transparent.

True relationships are built and balanced on love and not on the pivot of fear. And those that are balanced on the pivot of fear find them crashing very soon. Relationships balanced on the pivot of fear never give real happiness to those who forge them.

So come out and remove all fear from all your relationships. The ones that you will retain were always the true ‘ones’ and the ‘ones’ that go away had to go anyway. The resulting happiness and love that you will experience will be unmeasurable.

But then for doing that you have to be brave and believe in love first.