Why Do We Need Schools?

The high school (10th) and intermediate (12th/pre-university) exams are over across schools in India and results are out too.Students have heaved a sigh of relief. For sometime they will have respite from the pressure chamber  that they have been subjected to for the last many months. 

Their juniors, however, who have just moved to standard 9th or 11th are now experiencing the same. The moment kids move into these dreaded classes, the board exams start looming over their heads. A strange kind of fear psychosis grips most of them as they are subjected to a hyper academic stress created by various stakeholders. 

I call this a 4 walled pressure chamber, squeezing these poor kids, as these walls keep moving inside leaving little room for fresh air. The four walls are - 

Wall One - Parents 
Wall Two - School 
Wall Three - Teachers  
Wall Four - Society

One of my ex-student now working successfully as a marketing manager in a prominent real estate firm told me the other day - ' Sir my parents moved me to the hostel right from my class 6th so that I could score more marks. The hostel and school environment was very strict. We used to study for long hours but everything was for getting more marks. We never understood anything and hence I had little interest in what I studied. I had to just get good grades in my 10th and 12th class board exams. I was told that my grades pretty much determined my chances of getting into a good university in India, After my school was over, I wanted to study business but my father wanted me to join an engineering course. I had to give in to my father's demands and I joined engineering. Again the same story... I studied with no interest and just for marks. Finally when my father saw my performance in my engineering course, he let me join business studies during my master's program. This is when for the first time I started really learning and marketing attracted me the most. I am now enjoying my career. I do not know why and what I studied, before my MBA. I feel it was such a waste. I wish I had studied my courses in school for developing an understanding and exploring new areas and not just for grades!"

Sadly this is the state of most of the kids in India.

Let us briefly examine these '4 walls' -

Wall One: Parents
The moment their child gets closer to board exams, the parents get into hyperactive mode. They somehow take it on themselves the responsibility of ensuring that their child secure the top grade. Anything less than 95% is unacceptable. The child is deluged with several tutions from private tutors, arranged and sponsored by the parents. Even if the child feels that he/she can cope on their own, parents are restless and are not wanting to leave anything to chance. A regular day of a child suddenly changes and becomes ultra busy - school, private tutions, homework, self-study... no time to play, or relax. 

Study, study and more study! No wonder startups have been created out of this frenzy of parents to get tutor's help for their kids. Byju's  the online tutoring site for school students has seen a dizzy rise in the last couple of years. Investors are bullish on the prospects of Byju's and today it is a Harvard Business School Case Study!

Most parents are very happy if the school where their child is studying has less activities, events, festivals and more and more of academics. Extra classes, extra assignments make parents feel happy and secure. The kids on the other hand keep getting crushed under this growing academic stress. 

Recently I heard a mother opining at a school open house - "Mam, thanks to your extra classes and assignments, my child is very serious now. She wakes up at 4 a.m. and studies till late." 

A child turning from happy to serious concerns me, rather than filling me with delight,


Wall Two: School
The branding and prestige of a school is by the result that it can produce with its 10th and 12th standard students, the number of toppers, the number of All-India rankers, the number of first class with distinction, the number of first divisions etc. Everything is loaded on results. 

The school instead should be recognised by the kind of teachers that it has, the process of teaching-learning, the kind of fun that it can inculcate in learning, the amount of creativity it can fuel in the kids. But these are all traded in favour of marks percentage. 

Schools cannot be blamed alone, as parents too build this pressure. But then school in the era of competition have commoditized education and the one that can get best results demands the best price! No wonder these days parents have to apply for loan to pay for the school fees of their children.

Most schools are run by businessmen and not by educationists. Agreed good tution fees is needed to get good teachers. But then ask the teachers, they really do not get paid too well in India. Where is the money going then? While schools keep getting richer, the students keep getting poorer and poorer,

Wall Three: Teachers
Teaching is the art of making the less obvious, obvious and the obvious look magical! Unfortunately most teachers today approach teaching from a mechanistic perspective and the outcome of teaching is knowledge and not necessarily learning. 

Knowing something is not necessarily understanding the same. but understanding something really well is the basis for application, creation and innovation. The rote-based teaching practised by most teachers is focused on narrow outcomes of marks and grades; not on the broad principles of lifelong learning. Making students memorise things is not necessarily making them intelligent and wise. Wisdom and intelligence stems from how one see learning in action. 

Take for instance mathematics. Most students fear and detest maths not because something is inherently wrong with the subject, but because maths is taught in the most mundane method-problem format. In other words, tell the students the method, and then make them do a couple of sums. That's it! 

Recently during an admission interview I asked a student what is the practical application of Pythagoras Theorem. Although he knew the formula of the theorem, he could not tell me the application of the theorem. It had never been taught in his school. 

That is where the problem really lies.

Hence quantum overtakes, quality. Outcomes are desirable in forms of marks. The pressure naturally is more on the students. The added pressure is because of the systemic disinterest for most subjects that is built in them through some really average teaching,.

Wall Four: Society
Society has two personifications with respect to education - one the education boards that exist in our nation. These boards have generally followed a curriculum and propagated a pedagogy that is heavily loaded in favour of rote-based learning. Look at the CBSE reforms this year. All schools must follow NCERT books, all chapters must be covered in the year, students must be put through multiple weekly tests, periodic tests, pre-midterm test and post mid term test, test, test and more tests. Most schools under pressure to comply are throwing out activity based learning out of the window as such a huge syllabus and so many tests would leave very little time for activities. This will only intensify rote-based learning.

We are bent on producing kids who look alike, do alike, behave alike but cannot think. Reminds me of Chaplin's Modern Times.

The second personification is the society at large. A society that perceives a child good in mathematics as intelligent, and the one good in humanities as useless; one that perceives a child good in English as smart, suave and the one who can speak good regional language or Hindi as illiterate; one that looks down, almost condemns children who fail to score too well. There is no place for ability, only one's grades can be a testimony to one's worth and nothing else.

I look at the poor child bent forward by the weight of his school bag, parent's expectations, school's and teacher's dictum and society's 'high' (mark up) benchmarks and only worry how the education and the societal system is killing creativity, stunting growth and dulling a curious mind.

Have we asked ourselves -

Why children stop asking questions as they grow up?
Why kids do not enjoy classes?
Why they rejoice when a teacher does not turn up on a day in the school?
Why the number of mental health cases like anxiety and depression is on the rise amongst kids?
Why the number of kids killing themselves after failing to secure good grades is on the rise?
Why most kids tell in admission interviews that they never got a chance to chose the desired field of study?
Why as a nation that has 1.6 billion people, we do not have more patents and innovations in our name?
Why despite having such high-brow schools and institutes of higher learning, we produce more workers than thinkers?
Why we have won so less Nobels till date?
Why we do not have an Intel, Google or Amazon from our nation yet?
Why we are thinking that the next medical miracle will come from the west?
Why despite so much competition, our kids end up with same repetitive jobs?

Why?
Why?
Why?

Many such questions find no takers. And often defence is offered in various forms.

Interestingly, one of Britain’s biggest graduate recruiters EY, the global accountancy firm, recently announced that it was scrapping the requirement for applicants to have a minimum 2:1 degree pass or Ucas point score of 300 (the equivalent of three B grades at A-level). This is part of the company's effort to attract millennial talent and hence open up opportunities for talented individuals regardless of their educational background and provide greater access to the profession.

I hope as my child climbs up the ladder of school classes, I as a parent can spare him at least one wall and hence leave him some room to wriggle out of this trap where walls keep closing-in. Will I be able to do that? Or will I succumb to this pressure of grades and degrades? Time will tell.

The 1954 classic Jagriti, long forgotten, needs to re-kindled and watched by everyone. May be then kids have some chance...

Sketch credit: http://kickofjoy.com/role-stress-pressure/

CASH (LESS) NATION

One of my friend seemed visibly embarrassed. When quizzed about the reason, he told me that he did something which he had never imagined he would ever do... He broke the 'piggy bank' of his 5 year old son to have some lower denomination cash to pay for the daily vegetables. Another friend told me how she managed to just scrape past an odd situation when she traveled in an OLA can with just 250 valid cash in her purse. Luckily the trip bill came up to 230 rupees and she thankfully had 20 rupees left with her. But she had to de-board halfway and from there she hitchhiked with her friends back home. 

For the last couple of days East and West of this world have been shaken for different reasons. While US was consumed with getting their new president, India was suddenly caught in the demonetization whirlpool. If Trump surprised US and the world by getting the mandate, Indian government pulled out a surprise that it believes is a trump card of sorts in thumping out black money from the country. By demonetizing existing 500 and 1000 rupee notes, the government claims to have caught black money hoarders unaware. The old notes can be exchanged for new currency until the end of this year. The assumption is that only white money holders will dare to visit the bank as there will be heavy penalty for those whose income mismatch happens from the tax declarations provided by them. Sounds really smart, but will this move really flush out black money. 

You may call me skeptic. 

 
The matter of fact is that even after days of the announcement what one can see and experience is long serpentine  queues outside banks of people waiting to exchange their money in new currency. The banks seem to be ill-prepared to handle the mammoth task of re-circulation.  Most ATMs remain shut contradictory to government's announcement and people are struggling for cash. India is predominantly a cash-based economy with electronic payments still limited to online transactions and limited offline presence mostly restricted to malls and bigger outlets. Hence buying essentials like grocery, vegetables,  fruits, medicines; paying the cabbie or purchasing bus tickets, paying for parking tickets etc. has suddenly become a challenge. The enormous inconvenience that the public in general is facing is humongous and for those who are aged or differently-abled this task of queuing up to banks is torturous.  

I wonder if demonetization  had to be done why didn’t the banks prepare in advance? Were they expecting people to go through this harrowing experience of reclaiming their own money? India is not a small country and did the central bank or the union finance ministry did not forsee the challenges of implementing demonetization? 

But then our politicians and many self proclaimed patriots are crying hoarse that all this is for the nation's interests and one should not complain about the inconvenience since this will help to eradicate black money. Any such voice of dissatisfaction with government's announcement are being trolled on social media and even called unpatriotic.  My God! What have we come to – a democratic nation that loses it power to question pretty much contradicts the word democracy itself! 

I have a question for those who believe that demonetization is going to expel black money – 

Do you think people who hoard black money keep that in cash except may be some novices? There have been some reports of cash burning etc. I wonder what percentage of total black money it represents! 

Most black money hoarders would be clever enough to have converted liquid cash to other convenient forms long back. 

Let us look at some of the possibilities- 
1. Benami property – property bought in fictitious names. 
2. Agricultural land. 
3. Gold. 
4. Parked in foreign banks as converted currency. 
5. Invested in overseas property in countries that allow immunity to names of those who put in their money. 
6. Run illicit  trusts and show such money as anonymous donations. 
7. Run illicit NGOs and hide under garb of social welfare. 

These are just few hacks of black money marketers.  They have many tricks under their sleeves possibly, but to assume that they will be foolish to have kept as stocks of cash in their hidden chests and trunks is so unintelligent and funny. 

How is the government planning to crack down on them? 

Everyone knows that biggest such cash donations come to the insatiable bowls of most political parties. The ‘big fishes’ who provide such donations are not so novice in their art! Are they? Yes with some important assembly elections round the corner perhaps it can affect the election spending of unprepared parties. 

Corruption is a behaviour and is bred by the culture and character of a nation. We need to focus on that to uproot this behaviour.  Till this behaviour remains, people will find some way out! And now with such moves by the government the black money marketers  will be even more cautious. 

So despite the hullabaloo over surgical strike on black money the fact that this may remain a distant dream is not unfounded. Even the former RBI governor Raghuram Rajan has expressed his scepticism over government's announcement of demonetization. 

Whatever might happen to black money but right now the middle class and the lower class in India are in turmoil and are sweating and panting to get a drop of their own rightfully earned white money. 

As the ordinary tax paying citizens of this Cash (less) Nation reel under this tornado, may God bless us and our country India. Hope is not lost on black money though!

UNDERWATER - Rain Exposes the Reality of Metro Cities

Last weeks torrential rains exposed the reality of metro cities in India. While last year's Chennai floods is still fresh in the minds of the people, last week's rains saw parts of Bangalore, Gurgaon and Mumbai inundated. The water logging affected normal life, threw traffic out of gear and created heavy lock jams on roads that saw people harassed and tormented. Rain literally played spoilsport for millions.

Gurgaon

Traffic jam on the Delhi-Gurgaon Expressway after heavy rain (Photo credits: Indian Express)

Mumbai

Bangalore

Hosur Road in Bangalore after rains (Photo Credits: Prof. Ray Titus)

Very clearly poor town planning, poor drainage systems, unscientifically made roads, poor road conditions (that are often ridden with potholes) and utter neglect/apathy of the municipal corporations and government bodies are to be blamed. Citizen's ignorance towards such issues till it hits them hard cannot be ignored as well. So we must also blame ourselves for the state that we are in.

But all in all, we have a raw deal in hand and our metro cities are crumbling in the face of even couple of days of heavy rain.

It is really funny that at a time when water seems scarce and we are fighting for the same, the rain water is allowed to create havoc but never scientifically harvested to solve water crisis in big cities.

Engagement is a two sided story always. Government and local bodies engagement with citizens and vice versa is key to resurrecting civic issues. The time is now to make a change, else we may soon see a repeat of Chennai in other major metros as well.

Government agencies need to wake up before 'water gets over our head'.

Why Naseer can never be Khanna, Bachchan or Rajnikanth?

There are two ways to celebrate your success or achievements. One is to look at what you have achieved with a sense of satisfaction and at the same time genuinely appreciate what others around you have achieved. Even if others’ achievements are not as impeccable as yours’ but respecting them for being there and taking their shot! That’s a true hero and a person who is not really thinking that his success should come at the cost of others’ failures. He does not need a contrasting background to shine on the fore.

But then there are a lot others’ who use their success or achievements to run down others, belittle others and derive sadist pleasure out of the same. Their sense of happiness comes not from their success as much as it comes from the fact that others have not achieved as much and that they can use their success to ridicule others. 

Most of the times such people’ judgements are also flawed about their own achievements or calibre. They ignorantly inflate their achievements and do not think anyone is really more capable or brighter than them. The flaw in their judgements creeps because of two reasons – one their penchant for seeking failure for others to outshine; and second that they are so blinded by their arrogance that they see nothing beyond them. They are usually also frustrated by the success of others. Such lot of people are always unhappy and discontented. They spread negativity and have a pessimistic outlook towards almost everything and towards fellow beings.

We find both kinds of people in every profession. The one’s belonging to the latter category are the biggest disengagers in any organization for they ‘mow’ down others to prove their credentials.

Nasser’s recent calling out Rajesh Khanna a 'poor actor' and before that calling Amitabh Bachchan a commodity, not an actor reflects very poorly of him. 

No one can deny that Naseeruddin Shah is a very accomplished actor but he definitely has not seen the kind of stardom that Rajesh Khanna or Amitabh or for that matter our very own Rajnikanth has seen. Naseer has done fabulous movies and we still love them, but then his commercial success was always limited. Is this venting out of same frustration? No one should forget that although Naseer has been choosy about the films that he does, but occasionally he has lowered his bar in an attempt to bask in commercial success by doing movies like Mohra, Tridev, Vishwatma etc. Although these movies were successful, yet commercial stardom continued to elude Naseer.

On the other hand actors like ‘Rajesh Khanna, Amitabh Bachchan, Rajnikanth’ have not only impressed people by their acting prowess but also achieved dizzy heights of stardom that very few people can dream of! They have given some of the most memorable films to the industry. For these ‘three’ it will not be even wrong to say that they have at times carried very average scripts on their shoulders and have pulled them of because of their inimitable style and acting. 

Yet both Amitabh and Rajnikanth have \always downplayed their acting skills and attributed their success to the hardwork of others - their directors, script writers, technicians, and co-actors. Some cynics may even label this gesture of two legendary actors as display of humility in public but even if that is any way true, this is far better than pulling down your colleagues, who have done no harm to you, in public.

Now who is a greater actor is a losing argument, since each one of them be it Rajesh, Amitabh, Rajni or Naseer, have given their unique flavour to Indian cinema and the audience would have been poorer to lose any of them.

Naseer’s scathing attacks on Amitabh and now on Rajesh Khanna has lowered his stature from that of a true hero who celebrates success of others as much he does his own. Naseer might be a great actor but he will never be a true hero.

Sorry Naseer, You just lost one more fan!  And yes before I sign off, here some entertainment for all of you, courtesy Naseer Bhai. (Don't think though, Naseer will be particularly proud of his acting with this song in his profile) -

Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Learn; You Never Lose.

Inscribed in my son's school, this message is a brilliant motto as well as lesson of life. You can find these treasures only in schools. That is why they say 'Go |Back to School' to people who have long completed their formal education and are somewhere lost in the waves of life. Perhaps this is why they also say 'School of Thought' adding Old or New as a prefix to denote the obsolete and contemporary. School in real terms tells one about the world and the life, their meaning and philosophy.

Thomas Alva Edison developed close to 10000 unsuccessful prototypes of bulb before he developed the first commercially viable electric bulb. When asked about his so many failures, Edison was quoted as saying - “I have not failed 10,000 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 10,000 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.”

Most people find it more difficult to handle failure than success. However the truth is that success seldom teaches you anything, although everyone including me will want success to happen. Success can spoil people if it goes over their head. Failure on the other hand always carries a lesson with it. Learning or not learning from that is our choice, often determined by our attitude. So while success is a milestone, failure in reality is the teacher. 

Winston Chruchill had once said - Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” 

J.K. Rowling the celebrated author of the famous series Harry Potter went through personal trials and tribulations and rejection from over 12 publishers before Harry Potter book saw the light of the day. The rest is history they say!

Despite failure being such a great teacher, it is seldom looked as one. Most people scorn those who fail; write them off and like to align with the rising sun. The one who fails often suffers from self-denigration and hopelessness. The failure turns into a loss and the 'failed' eventually turns into a loser. That pretty much pulls the curtains down.

Like most people most companies are also scared of failing. So much so that they try too hard not to fail at anything and if they do instead of learning from the same, try to take their eyes off it. Often success makes us blind to failures and we do not even want to acknowledge it.  

Toyota, a name that became synonymous to cars worldwide, became the victim of its own success. The case of unintended acceleration in some of its car model that killed close to 100 people in America, was attributed to serious technical flaws in the car. Toyota that prides itself for quality found it too difficult to admit that they had failed at something they boasted all these years. However as the investigation became more intense the results clearly showed that Toyota knew about those defects and had in fact misled US customers. In 2014 Toyota agreedto pay a staggering $1.2 billion to avoid prosecution for covering up severe safety problems with “unintended acceleration” and continuing to make cars with parts the FBI said Toyota “knew were deadly", according to court documents.

Toyota could have avoided breach of trust to its valued customers, loss of public image and brand equity and financial setbacks by plainly acknowledging failure and learning from it. Wonder why a company that institutionalized continuous improvements could not do so! Perhaps their overwhelming success in the past made them allergic to even the remotest idea that they had failed at something.

Aversion to learning from failure and too much attachment to past success can make people as well as companies risk averse and hence less creative.

On the other hand, companies that see failure as an opportunity to learn something new and build on the same foster a culture of risk taking, experimentation and creativity. Google rewards failure, Intuit hold failure parties and our very own Tata set up a 'best failed idea' award. The thought behind all these moves is very clear, these companies want to convert failures into opportunities of learning and by doing so they win more and succeed more.

Success is important, but it should not be seen nothing more than another milestone. Failure should not be seen as a loss, rather viewed as a lesson learnt. That way life for individuals as well as companies is an enjoyable journey that is full of excitement and adventure. People who view life as a destination often miss the point.

While success can engage, learning from failure can be engaging too. That way no one loses ever.

Student Suicides - Parents Share the Major Blame

I have lost count of the number of students who have told me that they did not wished to pursue engineering studies or chartered accountancy but they did so at the insistence of their parents, mostly by their dads. Being in academics and being a part of the admission panel for admitting students in the MBA program for the last about 16 years, I have had the opportunity of interacting with many young people pursuing their education. The vast majority who have told me similar tales is so huge, that I sometimes joke that I could have written a research paper on the same, if I had kept proper record of data.

But this is no laughing matter!

The manner in which young students are frustrated by the imposition and unrealistic expectations of their parents creates a 'pressure cooker' situation for them. The recent suicide of 17 year old girl (Kriti) at Kota is a stark and cruel reminder of the same. 

Kota a small city in the northern state of Rajasthan, once is both famous and infamous for being the epicentre of coaching institutes preparing students from all over the country for All India engineering admission competitive exams. It in itself is now a 300 Crore industry by now. Surviving on high selection rates in various premier engineering colleges they run a harsh regimen for the aspiring students. A 14 hour daily class schedule is not uncommon. The coaching institutes for justifying the high fees that they charge from the parents and competing for high selection rates treat the students as cattle and squeeze the hell out of them.

The combination effect of pressure from parents, their lack of interest in pursuing an engineering career and the pressure from the coaching institutes, where they are registered, becomes too much for them to bear. 

In this case, the girl sent by her parents to prepare for engineering competitive exams for admission into B.Tech. or BE program left a 5 page letter behind. She has very clearly mentioned in the letter that she wanted to pursue Bachelors of Science education and not engineering studies. "Feelings of inadequacy in comparison with peers, lagging behind study schedules and parental pressure are usually why most students commit suicide" -in the words of Superintendent of police, Kota city, SS Godara.

Confronted with a situation where she cannot choose her field of study, career and has to pursue something where her heart and mind is not there; yet she cannot backtrack from the same owing to pressure from her parents, she probably felt 'stuck'. Kriti is not the only case, the recent years have seen a spate of suicides among students. The sharp rise in number of cases is alarming. Agreed taking one's life is no solution and there is no way to justify the same. But then we cannot ignore the causes and the kind of havoc that it plays on these young minds. The result is mostly undesirable and sometimes very very tragic as in this case.

Coming back to my experience, I have seen through many students who have completed their engineering degree but now wish to move completely away from it by doing a different professional masters degree, usually in business administration. Some of them had been forced to pursue engineering studies and some had been forced to choose a particular branch of engineering, while they wanted chose some other. 

Engineering and medical careers continue to be perceived as the only honourable degrees and career choices by most parents. It is similar to Cricket being perceived as the only sport by millions of Indians. Status in society, family tradition and honour become the driving factors behind parents forcing their kids into these fields, despite the fact that their kids might not be interested in the same, or might not have aptitude for the same. The other exciting career choices are simply ignored, at least in India.

Whose Fault?
Well, I will put it squarely on the parents. Look at the amount of pressure that parents apply on their kids for securing high percentage during 10th and 12th exams. The kids are sent to countless tuitions, their social life and time with friends is severely curtailed, all in the name of competition. The result is mostly counter-productive. 

NIMHANS the premier center for treatment of mental disorders, including anxiety and depression has recently reported steep rise in the case of anxiety, OCD, depression related disorders in children and young adults.

Are we preparing our kids for becoming engineers, doctors or are we preparing them for life? 

Are we making them ready to face the world, deal with their lives and learn to handle both success and failures. Are we?

Parenting needs a huge makeover in the nation.

While parents share the major share of blame, society and schools cannot escape the blame as well. Indian schooling has often been regarded as competitive and Indian students do well in academics. But then I have a question.. why similar performance in not seen in higher education? What happens after school? Rote-based learning and exam based outcomes measures may help good marks on the transcript and lot of information packaging, but then it does not prepare them to take up the challenges of higher education that requires more skills than just mere knowledge; an innovative mind and ability to deal with problems and not just a 'ROM'.

What is the Solution?
Kriti will not come back... Such force, undue pressure, and imposition will not yield anything. The kids lose in a big way and so do the parents. In the end, it turns out to be a zero-sum game.

Parents must realize that career options are best explored and chosen by their kids based on their interest and flair. Parents should become partner in the process of this exploration and help their kids to chose their career wisely, rather than imposing their will on them.

Schools need to realize the role of counselling in preventing such crashes. The counselling must be done mostly for career and also for life; not only for the kids but also many a times of the parents. Schools need to hire the services of a professional counsellor, always. While some schools have done this, most have not.

What is the hitch?
Schools, parents are all creations of the larger society that we live and the culture that pervades the ecosystem. A society where failure is a taboo and success is often defined by Numbers (- initially it is marks and later  money) creates a mad blindfolded rat race. Marks and money do not hurt anyone, but making them as outcome measures of success and hence pursuit of the same leads to a tendency of low risk tolerance. Result - parents insisting that their kids tread the beaten path rather than than the new, innovative and equally rewarding career options. 

Kriti could have been saved... alas! it is too late. But then we can still prevent a lot of kids from meeting the same cruel fate as that of Kriti. 

Anyone listening...please!!!

Relationships and the Pivot of Fear

Most relationships are balanced on the pivot of fear.

A colleague was rushing through the evening one day for his home. Finding his rush quite unusual I asked him the reason for his unusual hurry. He quipped back – ‘Well! It is my wife’s birthday today. I have to buy cake, flowers and a present for her on the way and be there before 6.’ How romantic! I thought in my mind. But the very next moment he shattered my imagination. He added – ‘You know you have to do all this to keep your wife happy. If I forget any of these she will be very angry and for the next week or so I will not get a proper meal. She will remind me every time I complain that I have lost that right as I have chosen to take her for granted. Buddy I cannot lose my one week’s good meal after all…’ he added with a sneaky smile. So the man was buying his wife all the presents and flowers out of fear of losing his week’s good meal and comfort, rather doing it out of love and affection! Sadly the truth with most married couples. Very interestingly a recent research study reveals that wives becomes less stressed and husbands become more stressed after the death of their respective spouses. Sad.

When I was a regular student and doing my academics, classes used to be sacrosanct for me. Listening to the professor, taking down my own notes, drawing my own interpretations, asking questions and clarifying my doubts used to be very important for me. Learning from my peer’s notes would not give me same satisfaction. But sadly for many of my classmates, attending class was out of fear of attendance. Too many As (or absent) on the attendance sheet will make them ineligible for exams. So right at the beginning of the semester they will calculate the number of classes that they can miss at max. for each course and then plan those unforced ‘holidays’. Attending class for those classmates was out of fear of being declared 'not eligible' for exams and not for the love of learning and discovering.

A rich businessman every year donates gold and part of his riches to a famous spiritual institution. I asked him once the reason he does this ritual every year. He told me - 'I always fear losing everything one day as I have so many enemies. By sharing my wealth with God, I will be able to repent for my sins and not face his wrath. That way I have greater protection against my enemies.' I appreciated the businessman's frankness and but all through I thought he was doing this to enable the institution help the needy and the poor. Funnily, most people fear God more, love him far less.

Relationships built and balanced on the pivot of fear are insecure, confining, patronizing and binding. On the other hand, the relationships that are built on genuineness and love are secure, liberating, collaborative and believe in giving space to each other always. The former is built on need and lacks transparency; the latter is built on empathy, understanding and is brave and transparent.

True relationships are built and balanced on love and not on the pivot of fear. And those that are balanced on the pivot of fear find them crashing very soon. Relationships balanced on the pivot of fear never give real happiness to those who forge them.

So come out and remove all fear from all your relationships. The ones that you will retain were always the true ‘ones’ and the ‘ones’ that go away had to go anyway. The resulting happiness and love that you will experience will be unmeasurable.

But then for doing that you have to be brave and believe in love first.